Blossoming with You: The Borderline Personality Advice Columnist

Blossoming with You

The Borderline Personality Advice Columnist

by Daisy Flusher

Dear Daisy:

I have been dating a guy who is great for about a year now. We click on so many levels. The problem is, I always have to bring up the relationship, where we are going, are we exclusive, should we move in together, consider marriage, those kinds of things. He is pleasant in these discussions, but he has no real interest in them, judging by how little he has to say. So we are still only dating after all this time, although I definitely see him as husband material. How can I know where this is going when asking doesn’t help? 

--Wondering in Vermont

Dear WiV:

Frankly, I prefer very-short-term dating to getting into all the relationship technicalities. You sound like you’re hammering out the language in a contract.

And I can’t help you with your query anyway because I’m too fascinated with the visceral hatred the words marriage and husband bring up for me, so that’s all I can concentrate on. I’ve said it before in my column: Marriage is so precious…and at the same time it sounds like some kind of restraint: harness, girdle, reins. I could just smash someone’s face in when I hear it. And husband sounds like the woman is bragging. I have a husband, look at me! I could scratch their eyes out. And I hate the word wife because it sounds like a possession. My wife, my car, my collection of porn.

Blossoming with you,

--Daisy

Dear Daisy:

I have recently remarried and have been unpleasantly surprised by my new husband’s “disciplinary” approach to my two sons. As soon as we were settled in, he took to giving the boys a couple whacks on the bottom when he was displeased with something they’d said, or if they hadn’t completed a chore as directed. I do not want to undermine his authority in the eyes of my children, but I am uncomfortable with this new regimen of discipline, and have told him so. He tells me that men “nurture differently.” The boys have started making comments about going to live with their father, even though they hate his new wife. I don’t know how to handle this, but it is causing me much anxiety.

–Anxious Mom

Dear AM—

 You couldn’t know that I was going to run your letter with the one above, but it’s funny how I mentioned that I hated the word husband, and then immediately after comes your letter where you use the word three times!

Your letter brought back memories. I would have PAID CASH MONEY if my father had only spanked me. Well, he did try that in the early years, but he claimed I was too defiant. I knew he was weak, so after each slap I would challenge him with things like, “Oh yeah, is that the best you can do?” or “Does that make you feel like a man?” He’d get more and more frustrated and wild until I’d drop the big one: “Do you have a boner yet, you pervert?”

Then he’d throw me onto the floor and try to stomp on me. He couldn’t even pretend to be the adult anymore, just threw his tantrums. One time he even threw bricks at me. Yes, bricks. But at least they were cold which is preferable to the hot pot of spaghetti that he dumped  over my head. Don’t ask me how I didn’t get third degree burns. There was that flight of stairs he pushed me down, but I walked away with barely a scratch.

In fact, nothing ever worked. With the bricks I just told him he might as well throw them because he was too stupid to build anything, even a pile. I remember actually smiling with the spaghetti dripping down my head when I said at least he wouldn’t be able to eat it and get even fatter. And all the way down those  stairs I yelled that I hoped my neck would break so he would go to jail and get AIDS.

I didn’t kill my father like he deserved, but I did kill his spirit, which is the important thing. To this day he is a broken down alcoholic living in a filthy shack with his guns and my pathetic mother who weighs about eight-hundred pounds.

Blossoming with you,

--Daisy

Dear Daisy:

You are a terrible person. Yes, your childhood explains it, but why are you writing an advice column? You might as well run a Day Care. 

--A Former Reader

Dear FR:

Your letter was such a breath of fresh air and honesty. I feel like we could be very connected. Do you want to get together for coffee or Reiki sometime? I have your email address.

BWY,

--DF