Things I Worry About When I Should be Sleeping

1. What if my neighbor has a pet python, and it gets loose?

2. There has got to be some way to collect all the man-made space debris orbiting the earth.

3. Mold is the biggest problem with owning a house.

4. How many people do I know that wear glasses all the time? Just for reading?

5. How many people in my department have PhDs? Facial hair?

6. I wonder if that mother who was so mad about her son’s grade on the Houdini project when I was teaching middle school still hates me, or if she is even still alive. She was a heavy smoker.

7. How can I keep from saying racist things when I am old and have dementia?

8. I’m not sure exactly how my cousin Paul is related to me.

9. Dogs look like they’re smiling but they’re not.

10. That piece of the Berlin Wall that I have as a souvenir could be full of asbestos.

11. Didn’t we wear asbestos gloves in science classes in the 70s?

12. I’m never putting pesticides on my lawn again…poisonous.

13. I need to get some Weed and Feed before the weather changes. Has to be applied before it gets too hot. Or is it in the fall? Someone must have it on sale.

14. Did the recycling get collected that had the sale circulars in it? I guess I can look online for a sale on Weed and Feed.

15. I’m not sure my dog is breathing.

16. Do sinkholes give a warning, a little rumbling, or do they just open up?

17. I should keep a flashlight in bed with me in case a sinkhole opens up and I have to signal to rescue workers.

18. Why is mercury bad again? Lead? They put a lead apron on you when you get an x-ray, so how bad can it be?

19. Doctors in the U.S. prescribe way more x-rays than doctors in Europe.

20. How many x-rays have I had in my life? Counting backward from the last one…

21. How many times have I been to Europe? Are there more fat people there now?

22. I don’t understand the concept of a planet being only gas.

23. Did Hitler have any children? They must have changed their name at some point.

24. Benedict Cumberbatch looks like Charles Manson andDina Merrill had a baby together.

25. Adult diapers might not be such a strange idea at my age, at least one in the car for emergencies.

26. Good lord, they didn’t bury Jackie O in that pink outfit, did they? No, they couldn’t have.

27. I’m watching the smoke alarm and the light is not flashing regularly.

28. If the smoke alarm itself has reached its expiration date, will it just die and not make the dying battery sound?

29. I smell smoke.