My 2016 New Year's Resolutions

Here's to 2016. The month is not even half over and I've broken none of these resolutions yet:

1) Stop napping in the middle of the day, especially in class or while driving.

2) Select healthier, more nutritious sugary desserts.

3) Exercise: Consider it every single day.

4) No taxidermy at the kitchen table.

5) Do some house cleaning daily, such as erasing browser history.

6) Take a walk after a big meal, or at least watch some invigorating TV.

7) Destroy porn magazine collection. Go completely digital.

8) Learn a useful foreign language such as Mandarin, or Elvish.

9) Spend more time on completing manuscript and less on resenting those who have completed theirs.

10) Refuse to engage in “kids these days” conversations with other oldies. Stick solely to complaining about personal health problems.

11) Start yelling at neighborhood kids, in preparation for old age.

12) Read one book a month at least! Read beyond the first twenty clichés in a novel.

13) Experiment with over-the-counter herbal and alternative medicines for various aches and pains, instead of pursuing physical therapy.

14) Dismiss shooting pains in your body as bad spirits trying to escape.

15) Go back to church.

16) Find a church that doesn’t require believing in anything.

17) Waste no more time on Facebook searching for high school classmates and being fascinated by how old they’ve gotten.

18) Waste no time looking in mirrors or any other reflective material, to avoid being horrified by how old you've gotten.

19) Send those thank you cards for the presents from your first marriage already .

20) Start saving money by clipping coupons and by not donating to any worthy cause.

21) Save up for a new hip.

22) Research ebay practicality for old hip.